In Which There is Only What Bare Rock Can Tell
by Draco Cake
Summary: Captain Obvious, a King without a Crown, and a Dwarf do impossible things. Like not eat or rest for a week yet still fight battles. This story is utter crack, don't take it seriously.


_**A/N:** this is for one of my friends who really did the cream cheese, scotch mints and pickled eggplant sauce thing. Also the blue whipped cream. This one's for you, Yamz!_

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><p>One really bad day in Helm's Deep, Aragorn son of Arathorn sat on the stone steps watching everyone get ready for battle. 'Really Bad Day' was an understatement. More like 'Really Bad Few Days And Nights'.<p>

It had all started when the Orcs had nabbed Mary—_Merry__—_and Pippin and ran off with them. He, Gimli and Legolas had spent four days and nights running after them with no food, no rest, and no sign of their quarry but what bare rock could tell.

And they STILL found the strength to run like crazy for another day, night, and morning. How precisely they did that he didn't know. Well, movie guys did impossible things sometimes. He didn't tell, but when he was pretending to listen to the rocks for where the Orcs went, he was actually taking a short nap. He'd lied when he said 'their pace has quickened', he'd only guessed. It was pretty obvious, actually. He was surprised that Legolas, Captain Obvious himself, hadn't figured that out already. Oh, well. Movies never went logically.

And then the day got even worse. They'd been surrounded by a group of angry, spear-wielding horsemen, had to see a DISGUSTING pile of burnt Orc, thought Mary—_Merry!_—and Pippin had died, got bashed by white light, and found out that their ol' pal Gandalf had played a joke on them by pretending he was dead then dressing up as that smushy loooooooooser Saruman and ambushing them in forest full of wandering Orcs and hostile Ents.

Geez, I guess even old men are affected by peer pressure. After that, they had to fight AGAIN in Theodon's castle to protect Gandalf (who was STILL in his pathetic Saruman wannabe costume) while he went for a chat with his ol' buddy Theodon. How they won that fight, he'd had no idea, seeing as they'd been awake for all the business days plus half of Saturday with no food, no rest and no sign of their quarry but what bare rock could tell.

After that, the day got a bit better for about five seconds cuz he got to flirt with this girl and get her hopes up even though he was already engaged. Then it went downhill again cuz he had to fight Orcs and their weird hyena things and ended up getting knocked down a cliff.

Yowch!

It got better for like one second because Arwen came (how, he didn't know. Again, movies!) and she did her thing. He got to sleep some more until Hasufel rudely woke him up and made him go back to Helm's Deep. Of course, Captain Obvious Mr. Legolas told him he looked terrible, something which Aragorn knew was true but after a long and lengthy debate with himself decided to take personally. He was now sitting on the steps watching everybody prepare for battle.

REALLY? He had to fight a BATTLE? Great. That made six days of no food, no rest and no sign of their quarry but what bare rock could tell, and the only sleep he got was, like, a nap! And now he was gonna fight a BATTLE?

He noticed a guy who looked embarrassingly like a girl looking around.

"Give me your sword," Aragorn told him, bored. The boy/girl looked confused but handed him his sword.

"What is your name?" Aragorn asked him.

"Haleth, son of Hama, my lord," said the guy. "The men are saying we will not live out the night. They say it is hopeless."

Aragorn was confused. Was this dude/dudette's name Halethsonofhamamylord, or was it Halethsonofhama, and he was just calling Aragorn "my lord"? Or was it just Haleth, son of Hama, my lord? In that case, this cleared up the gender issue. Or was he just...argh, never mind. So many options and no time to spend in deep reflection for the correct solution. Aragorn decided to go with the first option.

He swung the sword around a few times to impress Halethsonofhamamylord and lied. "This is good sword."

It was actually worse than using the tail of a kangaroo to fight a hockey player on the tip of a crumbling cliff while singing Never Say Never by Justin Beiber and breakdancing with rollerblades on and a china spoon on the tip of your nose with a cat balancing a jug of cream soda with a grenade on the spout on your head wearing a wedding gown with the veil wrapped around your legs and two huge diamonds stuffed up your nose while playing on the PS3 and eating fried cake drizzled with pickled eggplant sauce, cream cheese, and Scotch mints while having blue whipping cream all over your face.

Aragorn gave the sword back. He put his hand on Halethsonofhamamylord's shoulder and said, "There is always hope," he hoped Arwen wouldn't mind that he'd copied the phrase off her.

He went back to his room and put on all his armour like someone was pounding the fast-forward button. He'd just strapped on his knife when this sword nearly hit him from the back. Ow! What the-? He turned around to see Legolas holding up the sword like he was the boss of Aragorn.

Aragorn was annoyed. "That goes on last, dummy."

"I know that, loser," snapped Legolas. "I'm just trying to be all dramatic for the movie!"

Aragorn felt stupid. "Oh...right," he mumbled.

"Stick to the script, sillies!" yelled Gimli from around the corner where he was waiting for his cue.

Aragorn snapped himself to attention smartly. "Right!" he said. He put his hand on Legolas' shoulder and said a few sentences of gibberish, then he and Legolas did the thing guys do when they wanna hug someone but are feeling too macho and masculine to do it.

Then was Gimli's cue, and he came in and did the thing with the mail shirt, then a horn blew, (and then came my sister's absolute favourite part. I liked it too but got bored of it because I watched it too many times and blah, blah, blah, you get it, but anyway my point is):

Aragorn. Gimli and Legolas were awake all day and night SIX DAYS IN A ROW and STILL fought battles like they'd just woken up! Actually that was seven days on the morning Gandalf arrived with Eomer and the Rohirrim. So Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas were awake for a WEEK with no food, no rest and no sign of their quarry but what bare rock could tell.

Okay, Aragorn might have had a nap when he got knocked off the cliff, but that's about it. Oh and Gimli might have had a snack when they arrived at Edoras but you know what? I think I'll just ignore that.

So the bottom line is, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli were awake for a week with no food, no rest and no sign of their quarry but what bare rock could tell.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?


End file.
